It’s close to 11:00 at night. My oldest son-shine JUST stopped whining , his newest pastime. I lay sprawled across my king size bed, only it doesn’t seem like a king size anymore. My youngest son-shine lies next to me sucking a hole in his “sucky,” as we like to call it. His bassinet is taking up the other side of the bed. The legs fell off of it this evening as the oldest rode it like a horsey while I was talking to their father on the phone. Their father, my other half, he keeps me sane, he is the reason I want to have this family, he makes me smile for a million reasons. I miss him. He’s only been gone one week and three days. The next four days can’t go by quick enough. I wonder how these other military mothers do it, but quite frankly I never want to find out. Two weeks is enough for me. Tonight I was reminded how special my life is. How different it is. How different I am. I started thinking about when my Journey began. I think it started when I experienced my first heartbreak. Up until that point I had never been unwanted by someone who I loved whole heartedly. I began to grow from that moment. I’ve learned so many lessons about who I am, what I want, and where I want to be. When my Journey began, I was young, active and had a body I would die for now. I hated the direction my life was going, but I was having fun. I danced at the clubs, worked two jobs, drank like a fish, and puked my guts out at least once I week. I ran for fun and I lived for fun. I could, and would, just walk out of the door and head to Wal-Mart at a moment’s notice. I took 2 showers a day. LONG ones. I always wore make up, and my legs were always shaved. Fast forward a few years. Young and in love. Newly married. The only difference is now I have someone to dance with. I have someone to share the fun with, someone to eat with, cure my loneliness, and someone to bicker with when need be. Those were some good times. Some good memories. Here I am, almost 6 years into my Journey. I smell like sour milk and spit up. I haven’t showered without a child hogging the water in over a week. I’m not sure when the last time I used my blow-dryer was or when I put on make-up last. I haven’t slept through the night in over 2 and ½ years. I’m a little chunky around the edges. I think I get to blame that on my youngest son-shine for at least another 6 months or so. I haven’t been on a date with my husband in ages. But I am soooooooooo lucky. I LOVE the direction my life is headed. I have never had so many people love me whole heartedly in all my life. I truly believe one of the first things a child learns to do is love. I get warm and mushy inside when my boys look at me in the eyes and I can see the love pouring out of them. I love watching them grow. It saddens me that this time is flying by so fast. But with each new stage of their life comes such joy and anticipation. I am so proud of them. My heart overflows. I walk around the world with my hair a mess and spit up down the front of my shirt, but I don’t notice because no matter what I look like those kiddos still love me, they don’t notice. Wow. When I get angry at my oldest son-shine I often have to take a time out and regroup. I always tell him sorry and he always looks at me, smiles, and says, “Sorry Mommy.” He apologizes for me getting mad. He still hugs me, he still says, “luf you” in the sweetest angelic voice I have ever heard. I imagine the people without children wonder what it will be like to see their child for the first time. I know I did. And let me tell you, it’s one of the most amazing things. I recognized both of my children the moment I laid eyes on them. It was like I knew them, like I had seen them before. It wasn’t this AH-HA moment. It was a familiar feeling. Simply amazing. It is something that I wish for everyone to experience. 2 and ½ years into motherhood I can tell you it has been worth everything I might have given up, every second of sleep I have lost. Because I have gained moments that I will never forget and realized that my heart can love in a way that I could not even have imagined before I was blessed with these two lives. And while I can write for days about how much I love my son-shines, there is something to be said about how much I love my husband. I met him 4 years ago almost to the day. From him I have learned life’s hardest and most important lessons. Marriage has been something we have had to learn how to do. And I couldn’t have picked a better person to learn with. He has made me a stronger person, but he has also softened my heart and let me know it is okay to love again. He has made me feel like his equal, his partner. He makes me feel important and makes me feel needed. He comes to me for advice and values my opinion. He trusts me, he loves me. He makes me happy! He encourages me to follow my dreams and supports me every step of the way. If you would have asked me what I wanted in a husband when my Journey began, these are all things I would have listed. He is handsome as can be, I still whistle at him sometimes… I found my other half.
There have been times along the way when I wasn’t sure I was on the right path… But with the birth of my second son-shine I am surer than ever that this is where I am suppose to be. God’s plan is a fantastic one. I am enjoying my Journey!! I can envision my future and I love what I see.
It’s nice to have an end to journey towards, but it’s the journey that matters in the end.
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